From physical to psychological, sexual to emotional, Ramdev can diagnose almost any problem and prescribe a nostrum. Try asking him, for instance, “Baba ji, what’s the root cause of premature ejaculation?”
First, he is likely to reprimand you for starting too early. According to Babaspeak, if you rid yourself of your, err, brahmcharya too early in life, the impatient karma may lead to ‘premature ejaculation’ later in life.
Babasutra argues that the problem is not with your age but the milage under your belt.
But don’t worry, bachcha, Baba has a $82 solution for your delicate problem. It is shipped free, bulk orders carry further discounts and you just have to pop it with lukewarm water.
Obviously, it is working. Harried men and women are running to Baba’s Patanjali Stores for ridding themselves of almost every conceivable malady. No further proof of the Baba’s appeal is required than the report that his empire built initially on anwlah, aloe-vera, gau-mutra and some yogic postures is now worth almost Rs 2000-crore.
From its humble beginning in some ashram near Haridwar, Ramdev’s empire has become a behemoth that rivals several FMCG majors. Like some of his remedies that promise rapid and impressive growth of hair and various other parts of human anatomy, the Baba’s brand Patanjali is growing at a mindboggling 67 per cent rate. Even Kautilya’s Arthashastra couldn’t have imagined this eye-popping, gravity-defying growth.
The credit goes entirely to Ramdev. He is an excellent example of how the collective wisdom of our ancestors, the knowledge of our rich flora (and fauna, but more about that later) and our age-old household practices can be turned into a successful global empire.
For, most of what Ramdev sells or promotes, like the benefit of yoga, was already there. But, like a shrewd curator of heritage, Ramdev just packaged it and turned all the daadi-naani nuskhas into profitable products.
But none of this would have worked if Ramdev had not assiduously turned himself into a brand that most of his followers trust. Some of his prescriptions, in fact, suggest that Baba has a large following of bhakts who take his advice as medical gospel. Main hoon na, he seems to say, and the followers get ready to gulp down any concoction.
That’s the power of faith for you.
One of his disciples, for instance, brushes his teeth daily with petrol to get rid of paan masala stains. “They shine like pearls,” the gentleman, who is a senior journalist, says triumphantly. Now, petrol has been used for years by dry-cleaners to pretty much clean anything. If you are willing to treat your dentures like a dirty carpet, petrol may just be the right brand of tooth-paste for you. But, only somebody like Ramdev can make you start your day with a gargle of inflammable hydrocarbons.
He has inspired many bhakts to give up eggs with his knowledge of local fauna. Eggs, he says, come out of the wrong orifice and are thus hen poop. Ergo, don’t eat them. And then there is the unshakable faith of the balding bhakts who keep rubbing their thumb nails against each other in the hope that a fresh harvest of jet, black hair is about to erupt.
Ramdev’s products wouldn’t have been such bestsellers if they were to come under the purview of drug controllers or their trials had been mandatory. Trials, tests and approvals cost millions. Many companies go bankrupt if a medicine they have invested in fails to clear regulatory hurdles. Also, popping his prescriptions is safe. Unlike medicines, they do not come with written warnings of reactions and side effects.
So, eat as much of his swarn bhasm as possible, drink as much as gau-mutra as possible. And be happy that our blind faith, bhakti, collective wisdom and assorted premature problems are worth nearly Rs 2000 crore.
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