And although it has infuriated and annoyed me, I continued to have these conversations in the interest of trying to present and understand perspectives. In more recent conversations however, I have started experiencing an unprecedented dissonance, particularly when some of the participants are men.
Of course, my opinion is based on a limited sample set of people, experiences and interactions, but one gets the sense that the current conversation on gender is perhaps not a constructive one for a huge section of the population.
While there is now a much needed mainstream discourse for more respect, rights and autonomy for women, going by what I’ve been hearing from the men I’ve been talking to, I’m not sure the two sexes are moving towards a nuanced dialogue about the issues at hand.
I come from a middle-class Indian Muslim family. My family moved back to India (from Saudi Arabia) 20 years ago. I have always been grateful that I didn’t have to live there through my adolescence and youth, but my gratitude has been accompanied with a lot of anger and anguish, because living in India as a woman has been far from perfect.
I watched the documentary India’s Daughter that has generated controversy over the past weeks. In the true spirit of democracy, it has been banned by the government, because well, no one likes to look at their own dirty backside, even if every else can see it.
While a critical analysis of the documentary is important, it doesn’t take away from the fact that we need whatever impetus we can find to introspect about gender issues in the Indian society. The fact that it needs to be watched is undeniable. A lot of people have asked me why I bothered with it.
They all believe it’s probably not going to say anything new: women are largely thought of and treated with very little respect in this country, it’s difficult to find an adjective to describe what the rapists did and the thought process is the primary problem. But what now? How is watching the documentary going to change anything? Because we’re not the real culprits.
Those guys, the real culprits, are in jail, awaiting the Supreme Court’s verdict on their appeal, while they give interviews that outrage the whole nation. We? We’re doing just fine. We, in our homes and offices, in our cars and on our bikes, on the streets, in the banks, we’re all doing just fine. We are not the people who believe women are actually lesser human beings or commodities. We’re not part of the problem.
Except, that’s not the case. We’re at fault too.
I recall travelling in buses and being molested by conductors and other passengers even before I knew the word existed, or what was actually happening. I was sexually abused by male members of my extended family and many years later, when I told my immediate family, their reaction was complete denial.
It has been said multiple times, and I’ll say it again: almost every woman who has lived in India long enough has been subjected to some form of sexual abuse or molestation. There has just been too much silence about it for too long. And now when the conversations have gained momentum, we need to pay attention to the tone and direction/s they take.
Lately, one gets the sense that one half of the population in the country is somehow on a collision course with the other half. I might be exaggerating, again, based on my limited sample set, but the one thing that does come up quite often when I talk to male friends and acquaintances is the fact that Indian men are being portrayed as these monsters who are subjugating Indian women. It would perhaps be worthwhile to pause and reconsider some of these stereotypes and to ponder the fact that this is a more layered conversation.
As an Indian Muslim woman, (so far) in my life, I have had men tell me I should know my place, dress in a certain way, follow the appropriate rules of modesty and so on. But I’ve also known men who’ve been nothing but encouraging, no matter what I decide to do and who I choose to be – whether it’s wanting to travel by myself, climbing mountains or riding bikes.
This monster of an Indian man that has found his way into the mainstream discourse, the guy who all the outrage is directed against, is not all that’s there. There are multiple other narratives – among them, the one of the Indian man who’s trying really hard to grapple with this rapidly changing society and its changing gender equations. For most men, their upbringing has not equipped them to deal with these changes.
They’re on their own, trying to figure this out, just as much as the women are. They’re also trying to negotiate and negate centuries of patriarchy, misogyny and conditioning about the sexes, while we women are fighting our own battles against the same oppressive structures. The women are fighting tough battles, but that doesn’t undermine the fact that the men are trying too.
And it is perhaps imperative for the women to ensure the men stay a part of this conversation.
For one, we women need to engage men in this discourse in a manner that is not constantly confrontational. While confrontation may be a useful tool to challenge the status quo, it doesn’t work very well when ideas need to be exchanged. That is going to require a balanced conversation and the willingness to listen to each other.
Like the defence lawyers in the documentary, all of us can also be faulted (to some degree) for using clichés that perpetuate gender stereotypes. Let’s start by avoiding these clichés, even if they are directed at men; even if they are being used in jest. The stereotypes are perpetuated both ways and it’s not alright for women to use them, just as it’s not alright for men to use them.
Another tendency that does as much harm as the ‘harmless’ gender-based clichés is making hurried assumptions about someone’s stance on gender (without the scope to explore a perspective), simply on the basis of something they may have, for example, posted on the internet or said at a party.
Instead of seeing red at the first chauvinistic statement someone makes, wouldn’t it be worthwhile to engage in a longer, more meaningful conversation that attempts to understand, and then possibly change/tip the stance in a way that’s acceptable to all the parties involved? The idea is to continue to engage, negotiate and persuade, not to outrage and antagonise.
We must remember that the objective of this discourse is to make everyone understand that there’s a dearth of respect for women, and that this needs to change; not to alienate the people who should be participating in these conversations. It’s not a black or white issue – there is a whole spectrum of perspectives out there, and the darker the conversation gets, the more polarised the stance is going to get.
The other misnomer is that men are solely responsible for changing the way they think. There is generations of baggage we carry as a society and the only way to work through it is together. A good starting point would be to talk about the issues openly (irrespective of what gender you are), and to make it alright for it to be talked about. There’s no need to turn away from the conversations; in fact the need of the hour is to join every conversation that’s happening around what needs to change.
As women, we will also have to take on a lot of the responsibility for this social change – it’s not going to happen by accepting the gender roles passed on to us by our families and societies. These roles have to be our personal choices; it is no longer enough for us to receive an education and have careers; we will have to question everything that makes us uncomfortable and seems to disadvantage us in any way.
Of course, it may not be convenient (and we may be disliked for it), but the onus to question traditional gender roles in our everyday lives is on the women. Change requires a lot of effort, and we will have to put in the work. Every single one of us. If we want the world to change, we will have to start by changing ourselves. We need to take charge – no one is going to give us anything we don’t fight for. We can’t stay in the same place and expect the world around us to change in our favour.
This is also going to mean we take the time to find ourselves, do the things we love and assert ourselves as individuals (and not just be a part of the social structure). No one said it was going to be easy. It is going to upset the status quo and there is going to be resistance, but it is the only way to bring in a drastically different social order.The current social order is evidently not working for us.
Patriarchy is privilege, and privilege is a hard thing to give up. Men, for their part, will have to relinquish some of their control and conveniences to work towards a society that is happier and more equitable. Again, it’s not going to be easy, but there’s always a way to find middle ground. The current ideas of masculinity are problematic for men as well, very often limiting their own scope for individual expression.
Men also need to take a closer look at a spectrum of another kind – disrespect for women is not a black or white issue. One doesn’t need to be an outright misogynist to make society a hostile and inhospitable place for women. There’s a whole thought process to analyse between sexist jokes and rape.
And along with the need for change in thought process is the need to change the way men conduct themselves in everyday life – simply expressing outrage on social media does nothing to change society if you still go home and expect the woman/women in your life to put hot food on the plate and sit at the dining table after you do.
No one is expecting an overnight change – just the commitment that you’ll listen when something is being said, acknowledge that something is wrong and make the effort to make it better. That would be a good place to start.
Because everyone benefits from a society in which half the population doesn’t feels threatened and the other half alienated.
We’re all guilty and we’re all innocent. We wouldn’t need a “foreign” woman to tell us what we’re doing wrong if we had the self-reflexivity to think about it and the will to work on it on our own.
Einstein said you can’t expect different results by doing the same thing. It’s time we started not just thinking, but also acting differently, especially in our everyday lives. Respect, like charity, starts at home. And change always starts with a conversation.
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