Tuesday, December 23, 2014

'Gau Mutra' To Clean Underwear: An Anxious And 'Real' Hindu Parent's Guide Against 'Love Jihadis'

Union minister for Women and Child Development Maneka Gandhi admits she has had no specific complaints about love jihad but luckily the Hindu Janajagruti Samiti is not waiting on such formalities.

The organization has come up with a handy guide of how to avoid falling into the jihadi "love dragnet". Here is the INNLIVE To-Do list based on their research just in time for the garba season.

Remember, precaution begins at home. Parents! Advise your daughters to be cautious! There’s no time to be lost.

As the site warns us “Hindu girls are the gene banks of Hindu culture.” And every bank needs its security guards.

Do invest in gaumutra. Salt water baths help but cow urine is the most helpful against the evil eye of the jihadi who might be hypnotizing your daughter. Not all homes have a pee-ready cow and modern young women may balk at the thought of sprinkling cow urine on themselves. Here is our business Idea. Bollywood heroines can be pressed into service to promote a line of GM - Gaumutra body sprays and perfumes. The ads could show a fakely-tilaked jihadi boy recoil and faint as Anushka Sharma wafts by in a puff of GM body-spray into the arms of a genuinely Hindu Virat Kohli.
Do keep tabs on that mobile phone. 

The mobile phone (and chow mein) is the root of all evil. Beware that innocent looking neighbourhood mobile phone recharge guy. He is the conduit who passes the numbers of innocent Hindu girls to jihadi boys. The boys send them romantic SMSes at night and before you know it they are wearing a head-scarf and hopping on the back of a two-wheeler and heading off to the madrasah.

Interim solutions include checking her incoming calls intermittently but remember the jihadi boy’s number might be saved under an innocuous name like Raj. A more effective solution could be to just go back to the good old landline and have dadi-ma answer the phone first and quiz any caller about their kundali.

Do wash your own underwear. The lingerie-ing effects of love jihad are pernicious. It’s well known that evil spells are transmitted through underwear. Girls must keep their own underwear under their own control at all times. And there is no need to go to parlours to get a hair spa. Men often cut and massage women’s hair there and as Rapunzel has shown us hair today, gone tomorrow. Anyway with all the time saved by not having a mobile phone, a young woman will have plenty of time to wash her own underwear.

Do stock your larder with tufted coconuts, lemon and vibhuti. The vashikaran or hynposis of Hindu girls is a tried and tested love jihad strategy. HJJS recommends we not waste valuable time trying to identify if vashikaran has indeed happened. Proceed immediately for a puja with lemon, smear forehead with vibhuti and kumkum. In powerful cases that might not work. 

Then the tufted coconut must be brought out and the girl must chant Hanuman chalisa in Hindi or Maruti stotra in Marathi. Girls speaking other languages are on their own for now. HJJS will surely add resources for them shortly after the Maharashtra and Haryana elections. Speaking of common household products be wary of the humble paan. Do not accept betel leaves for paan for love jihad potions might be mixed in them.

Do teach your daughters about the travails of a jihadi biwi. Girls might be fooled by nonsense Muslim socials and think life will be all shairis and attar. But they should remember that Benazir Bhutto wore jeans in London but “after marriage she had to wear a burqa". Also a Muslim considers his wife "a child-bearing instrument" while a Hindu "believes in family-planning" except of course when he is thinking of his wife as the "gene bank of Hindu culture". 

However parents should also not get overboard encouraging their daughters to think about jeans (rather than genes) because as the site warns us "unrestrained freedom and allowance to blindly follow western culture given by the Hindu parents to their daughters later backfires on them".

Do not let your daughters on two-wheelers. Jihadis impress girls by loitering around colleges in two-wheelers. HJS admits there is machismo issue here.
When we visit girls who have been ensnared in the love-dragnet of Jihadis, they openly challenge the manliness of Hindus by saying that ‘Jihadis are virile and Hindus are impotent’.

We suggest wheelie-classes for all Hindu men and a crash course in midnight SMS sweet talk. Parents are also encouraged to report jihadist-looking boys hanging out near colleges to Hindu groups. It's unclear how one tells if someone is "jihadist looking".

Do check IDs at garba. We must not let our guard down even while twirling in circles because love jihad can take us for a spin. Garba-poaching is a serious menace and what is more insidious is jihadists invading the garba circle come in disguise. They may have tilaks and even wear religious threads and amulets. They will call themselves Vijay or Raj or Aseem. Do not be fooled. Insist on IDs before allowing them to anywhere close to dancing women. No ID, no garba is a simple rule to enforce. Again, some GM bodyspray before doing the garba might be just the ticket.

And here’s one suggestion we can all get behind.

Do encourage your daughters to learn self-defence techniques. Girls should learn arts such as karate, nunchaku etc to protect themselves against sex perverts.

That could come in very handy in India these days, on buses, trains or just walking on the street and not just against jihadists. And no cows need to be pressed into service for that.

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