Once upon a time marriage was a 'forever' commitment. Today, however, it's a completely different story with some marriages being as short lived as just a few days or months. Divorce is no longer an alien or feared word among couples. In fact, with the current escalating divorce rate, marriage and relationship counsellors are a busy lot, some often working overtime.
Though coup les are, even at the slightest hint of trouble, advised to seek help from a counsellor, the big question now being asked is whether counselling really helps solve a couple's trouble or become an added reason for more stress and tension in the marriage. Why? Experts are of the opinion that marriage counselling makes couples feel that their 'relationship is over'.
A recent international report suggested that marriage counselling can do more harm than good as it makes couples feel like a failure and that their relationship is already over. In the study conducted among couples facing marital troubles and hence, referred to a counsellor, many said they would rather resolve their relationship problems privately between themselves or with the help of close friends and family. For these couples, resorting to professional help was intrinsically linked with feelings of failure and defeat, that it was too late to 'repair their relationship'.
Experts who conducted the study said that many of the participants felt that a couple should be able to deal with their relationship problems privately, without having to rely on external support. And if they did in fact seek external support, family and friends were the foremost choice than counsellors. "A few of the participants suggested that if a couple required formal or professional relationship support to solve a relationship difficulty, then the relationship was not worth saving and unlikely to be successful," one expert said.
Dr Anjali Chhabria, practicing consultant and psychiatrist opines that the problem mainly lies in the unrealistic expectations and aims troubled couples have from counselling. "Often they come in thinking that they want to fix their spouse or that someone will tell them where exactly thing are going wrong or that the counsellor will do the dirty work of conveying the bad news to the partner that the marriage is over," she says. According to her, how one handles a counselling session is just as important as the session is not conducted properly. "If not conducted in the right manner, it can indeed cause more confusion and chaos," she adds.
However, psychiatrist, Dr Kersi Chavda does not agree with the findings of the study. "Across the world, people have understood the importance of marital counselling, especially before marriage and the role it plays in reducing the amount of post-marital stress. Yes, some couples may question the logic of going to a counsellor when they feel they can sort out their problems themselves, but feeling that the marriage is doomed just because one is going to a counsellor, not at all," he says.
Agreeing with Dr Anjali on the expectations of counselling, Varka Chulani, clinical psychologist says, "Unfortunately, marriage counselling is a very misunderstood term. Couples must remember that we do not counsel the institution of marriage but the individuals in the marriage. What we try to help them deal with is their conjoined problems. In fact, many people get angry when I tell them that there is no problem with the marriage but it is their individual difficulties that are causing the problems," she says.
Talking about the study she says that in a country like India, which is intrinsically averse to the terms therapy and counselling, it could be a problem especially among tho se close minded individuals who come into counselling thinking that it's over, it anyways won't work out. "How beneficial counselling is to a couple mainly depends on the depth of the problem and the mental conditions of the individuals in the marriage who are seeking help," she concludes.
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