Time to Call It Quits?

By Sheena Shafia



Nobody gets married thinking they might get divorced. But when it does happen, how do you know it's really time?



Getting married was a life altering decision and now you're wondering if it's time to change the course of your life all over again. How do you know if your relationship has reached its end? When is it really the right time for you to part ways? Unfortunately, there is no formula or perfect guide to let you know that. However, every marriage has ups and downs. It's up to you alone to decide whether this is just a crack in your marriage that needs some work or if your marriage has been broken apart completely.



Unless you were in an abusive relationship or subject to an extra marital affair, taking the steps towards a divorce require much soul searching. It's a decision that is not made overnight and you will probably spend endless nights tossing in bed. Wondering whether the emotional distance between you and your spouse is just a temporary road block is very natural. Your mind is torn between staying and parting; your heart is leaning towards the door.



Ask yourself the key questions

Do I miss him? Take a week off. Visit your friends or parents. Does it feel like a burden off your shoulders when you spend time alone? Or do you end up missing him? Do you call him often? How much do you both share about the week upon your return? Does your spouse seem delighted to have you back? Are you relieved or suffocated to come home?



Do I like her? Love comes after like. You have to like the person's basic character to stay married. And happily married at that. Sometimes we are so blinded by the physical chemistry initially that we think we like the person; only to discover later that their personality is so very different from ours.



Do we fight too much? Fighting and arguing are part of every healthy relationship. But so is making up, forgiving and forgetting. If your marriage sees only the former with frustration building up every day, it may come out in a huge explosion of anger suddenly. Besides, what are the disagreements about? Are they about life's fundamentals that you cannot see eye to eye about, or are they about trivial things like leaving the room messy?



Has she moved on? Different stages and circumstances in life make people change. New careers, children or spiritual maturity change the way we think or behave. Some couples go through these transitions harmoniously while others have a tough time seeing through change. In a marriage where one spouse has new goals for life, the other may feel left behind or even left out. Has your spouse moved onto a different phase or become a different person? Can you accept the change? Or are you honestly willing to modify your lifestyle and goals to meet his/hers?



Can we communicate? Surmounting the mountains of marriage requires verbal and non verbal communication. Are the two of you able to communicate to resolve conflicts? Do you share your dreams and goals with each other? Is there an emotional distance due to lack of communication? Can that be changed or is the void too deep already?



Is there chemistry? Being physically attracted to your partner is as important as intellectually. When was the last time the two of you had sex? Are you fantasising of other people or feeling sexually attracted to someone else you know? Do you look forward to spending time alone with your spouse?



Friends and family have your best interest in mind, and they will offer support and advice; sometimes even unsolicited. But they should only help you to think through things and should not be your decision makers. So do not let your near and dear ones sway you in either direction. Let them help you weigh the pros and cons of your relationship. They are outside the actual situation and can think more rationally. They often show you matters in a different prospective. All that said, discussing the matter with too many people is only inviting trouble. Unwanted gossip and rumours could spring up making things awkward for your spouse. Keep your counsel of advisors to a minimum.



There is no right or wrong in relationships and so many variables in a marriage. A divorced person could be happier than one in a sour marriage. Ending a marriage is not easy and needs to be given due thought, time and consideration. Sometimes it is our best interest to call it quits if the relationship is bringing nothing but unhappiness. Whether it is time to call it quits, is solely upon each individual.