New Mantra: Sex on Leave

By M H Ahssan

Stress and hectic lifestyle can impact one’s libido. If ‘Honey, I have a headache!’ has become your man’s line of late, read on HNN mantras to cope.

Most women take sexual rejection very personally, especially if their sense of selfworth is linked to love and acceptance from their partner. When a sexual advance by a woman is turned down by her man, she views herself as being an inadequate lover, spouse and even a person. She believes that her ‘lovability’ is defined by the affection she receives or does not receive from her partner.

MELTDOWN IN BED
The current trend of sexless marriages, due to lowered self-esteem of men facing a financial crisis and resultant stress, is leading to varied reactions among women. Some working women who are aware of the global crisis, show greater empathy and do not blame their partner for the financial situation, or the subsequent lack of interest in sex. Instead, they assume the role of a sounding board, and also attempt to motivate them to be optimistic and deal with the crisis ‘together’.

On the other hand, some women add to their husbands’ woes by being confrontational, demanding, aggressive and blaming them for the loss of both, ‘money and sex’ and launch a direct attack on their partner’s manhood. This only makes matters worse. The woman, who has shoved a guilt-trip down her husband’s throat, can be rest assured that the financial crises may end, but her sex life will never improve.

Women need to understand that ‘sex is not between the legs but between the ears’, and therefore also understand that a healthy and relaxed mind is important for mutually satisfying physical intimacy.

SELF-WORTH FACTOR
Some women get confused and anxious with the sudden withdrawal of sex, get depressed and might suspect that their husband is having an extra-marital affair or satisfying his sexual urges in other ways.

In some cases, over-consumption of alcohol can be a problem, especially with regular drinkers who try to deal with stress via alcohol. This takes a huge toll on the relationship and might end up whining about problems and doesn’t wish to address the crisis in a logical manner.

In such a condition, marriage counselling helps. Also, stress counselling helps the man deal with the financial and sexual lull in life.

A man can be taught to reach out and be sensitive to his wife’s needs, and the woman can be educated to not make it all about herself, be ‘emotionally available’ and not use the husband’s vulnerability against him ever. The couple must remember that this is a temporary but crucial phase.

Moreover, the ‘emotional intimacy’ during this crisis can strengthen their relationship, and there can be some surprising moments of physical intimacy, emerging from such emotional bonding.

COPING WITH IT
A wife could use these troubled times to build the emotional intimacy and companionship with her husband and engage him in small joys in an unpressurising manner, such as sharing the child’s achievement in school. She could engage in non-sexual touching like offering a back rub or head massage to bond with him. She shouldn’t mind her husband wanting to spend time with his colleagues who enlighten him on ways to deal with the problem, not make any unreasonable demands. Tell him that both of you will get through it ‘together’, and that you believe in his abilities. Ensure that he doesn’t blame himself. Assure him that everyone is in the same boat. Help him accept uncertainties and forgive himself for human errors, if any. She can help de-stigmatise seeking professional help. If he is depressed, accompany him to a counsellor. She could identify what brings him joy. Small things such as cooking his favourite meal, inviting his best friend over for dinner can help him. At times, when he is relaxed, she could take the lead, touch him sensually, with no pressure to perform, and see if he wants to take it forward. The woman, of course, has her own emotional and physical needs. She could channelise her libido in work and children, or sublimate her sexual urges in creative pursuits. If she is spiritually inclined, then prayer and meditation can give her comfort. She could also engage in self-pleasuring from time to time to deal with her own heightened sexual urges.